You may have heard of the infamous Michael Bienkowski, or you may have had the unfortunate agony of having to participate in his class. Is he simply an underpaid teacher? Or is he truly something more vile? What you may not realize is his undeniable influence over demons.
This all started four hours ago when I noticed something odd. Bienkowski. Ten letters, and ends with an i. Sound familiar? Illuminati. Ten letters and ends with an i. I know what you are thinking. Illuminati conspiracies are way too 2005, but I have concrete proof.
The last time we had a snow day at Byers was in 7th grade. The government wants you to think that this is because of global warming, but, in truth, Barack Obama canceled all future snow days to prevent the schools from getting cold. Obviously, if the schools get too cold, the demons (Mr. B), cannot not be summoned.
No one simply reads a book for fun, except for demon summoner Mr. B. Reportedly, his favorite book is Lord of the Flies. Not only does he enjoy the misfortune of children, but Mr. B even prefers a book named after Beelzebub. Speaking of dead pigs, Mr. Johnson’s favorite book just so happens to be Animal Farm. In which, a communist horse is turned into glue. Remember, this is the same man that admits to being Andrew Carnegie and Ron Swanson’s Mustache. I mean look at him. It looks like Ron Swanson’s Mustache died on his face.
It is no surprise that neither of these demon worshipers are STEM teachers. For the Denver School of Science and Technology, is it not odd that we still have to take non STEM classes at all? Why do we have AP language teachers such as Ms. Hickey, and Mr. B-eelzebub?
Clearly, demons are afraid of math. This is exactly why Mr. Andree’s room is super tall, to be closer to the angels, whose hands can be found on the ceiling for all eternity. This is precisely why he tactfully spends months poring over the math tests to make sure the grades are correct before posting them.
But one thing does not add up; just below Mr. Andree’s room is the fab lab, the home of the Skybots. Why would such an engineering focused club be relegated to the lowest part of the school? Why hasn’t robotics club started back up? Why would the name include “Sky”? What are they trying to hide? I know what you are thinking. Are demons robots? No. That would be absurd. Luckily, I have had help from an Anonymous source. The old name for Skybots Robotics was: ILLUMINATI. A club which just so happened to meet in room 04. Mr. Bienkowski’s room.
Of course, I could not say such horrible things about Mr. B without checking myself, and sure enough, there are scratches along the western wall of his classroom, clear evidence of demon experiments. So, the next time he, or any other teacher, asks you to read a book for homework, think “how does this help the demons?” And remember kids, eat your nucleic acids, Hillary Clinton is a goblin, and NEVER trust a student to write satire.